as if i didn't see it coming

okay, so right now. i don't even know what to feel. i'm caught somewhere between extremely overwhelmed with sadness, and the intense amount of anger i have building up. How could i be treated like such dirt? Telling me what i want to hear, making it sound so sincere, just to get what you want out of me. I'm so hurt, and mad. I want to focus all of it towards you, but my brain knows better. This is somewhat my fault. I listened. I believed. I'm the one who took everything you said to heart, and believed that deep down, you were genuine about your intentions. Boy was I wrong, and not only was i wrong, it took this to be the breaking point. How embarassing, to find out from someone else that this was just a game all along. I trusted you. Look where that got me. And the worst part is, I still want in to be okay. Deep down inside, i want to forgive you right away, and beg for a chance to make things right, for both of us. And i know the right thing to do is forgive you. And then move on. But how can i give you the satisfaction? They say if you hold on to anger and heartache, you're only killing yourself, you're not effecting the person who directed it at you. Then how do you make them feel it? Forgiving them seems to give them the knowledge that what they did was okay. So what do we do? How do we put ourselves in a place where we feel okay again. Like we're allowed to feel happy, without them thinking everything's good between you. I can't decide what i want, and the decision i want to make, is not the decision i should. But the right road isn't always the easiest is it? Well, this road is the hardest of them all. Even God doesn't seem to completely rid me of this heartache, and pain. Though no one said he was suppose to, and I'm not expecting him to, i just wish time wasn't the only solution. I can't bare having to wait to feel better about this. People change so much, and it isn't always for the good. and it Most certainly isn't always what you expect. I never suspected you of this. Never would have, good thing i have such good friends to point it out. I'm weak. and a coward. I didn't have the guts to face the facts and realize that i was, infact, your satisfaction. And that was all.

"wanting him is hard to forget, loving him is hard to regret, losing him is hard to accept, but even with all the hurt i've felt, letting go is the most painful yet."