as if i didn't see it coming

okay, so right now. i don't even know what to feel. i'm caught somewhere between extremely overwhelmed with sadness, and the intense amount of anger i have building up. How could i be treated like such dirt? Telling me what i want to hear, making it sound so sincere, just to get what you want out of me. I'm so hurt, and mad. I want to focus all of it towards you, but my brain knows better. This is somewhat my fault. I listened. I believed. I'm the one who took everything you said to heart, and believed that deep down, you were genuine about your intentions. Boy was I wrong, and not only was i wrong, it took this to be the breaking point. How embarassing, to find out from someone else that this was just a game all along. I trusted you. Look where that got me. And the worst part is, I still want in to be okay. Deep down inside, i want to forgive you right away, and beg for a chance to make things right, for both of us. And i know the right thing to do is forgive you. And then move on. But how can i give you the satisfaction? They say if you hold on to anger and heartache, you're only killing yourself, you're not effecting the person who directed it at you. Then how do you make them feel it? Forgiving them seems to give them the knowledge that what they did was okay. So what do we do? How do we put ourselves in a place where we feel okay again. Like we're allowed to feel happy, without them thinking everything's good between you. I can't decide what i want, and the decision i want to make, is not the decision i should. But the right road isn't always the easiest is it? Well, this road is the hardest of them all. Even God doesn't seem to completely rid me of this heartache, and pain. Though no one said he was suppose to, and I'm not expecting him to, i just wish time wasn't the only solution. I can't bare having to wait to feel better about this. People change so much, and it isn't always for the good. and it Most certainly isn't always what you expect. I never suspected you of this. Never would have, good thing i have such good friends to point it out. I'm weak. and a coward. I didn't have the guts to face the facts and realize that i was, infact, your satisfaction. And that was all.

"wanting him is hard to forget, loving him is hard to regret, losing him is hard to accept, but even with all the hurt i've felt, letting go is the most painful yet."

things are looking up, oh finally.

Okay so, usually i have some twisted, yet strangely intelligent blog about the lowest points in life. But today, the negativity has dissapeared, and although i still have a lot to worry about, and even more to be upset about, somehow i've let it fade into the background and have let myself really shine. Of course it won't last, never does. The roller coaster of emotions is something i've gotten quite use too. But this time, it feels different. This time, i know it hurts, and i know it's killing me to see it all happen this way, but for some reason, i know i deserve better, and for once, i'm telling myself i deserve happiness. I deserve to have fun, and not have to worry for once about the outcome of this, or what's going to happen tomorrow, or this weekend, i can just be. i can just live, and make memories, that don't consist of tears, and heartache. i can enjoy the fact that i still, am just 18, and although the media makes it seem like we have this expectation in high school, to have huge depressing story lines of lives, i am still just a kid. and i can still just have fun and live without the fear of regret. I'm feeling so on top of the world for once, and it feels AMAZING. i don't even really know how it came about. i mean, i know it was just a breaking moment where you switch from one extreme to another. i'm guessing it's not a roller coaster, but more of a circle. you slowly build up until you're about to break, then you cross the path you first started at. and you're on the other side. And then the cycle continues.

Not the best of mine, but we can't all be wallowing in depression all the time. I'm glad my time's finally up, at least for now.

'one last kiss, one only. then i'll let you go.'

After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.

I.feel.hopeless. The strangest thing though, it's numbing. After the break down, you sorta' just sit. No emotion, at least not visible. And your heart just sinks, as far as it possibly can, without completely falling out of place. I think just about everyone has felt that feeling. No matter what the cause. A broken heart, a dying spirit, and in the worst of cases, a lost soul. No one ever expects to get lost, but somewhere along the way, we wander from the trail. It's far from easily explained. And as much as we speculate, and try to figure out where things went wrong, and try to remember the exact moment we lost our way, we can't seem to recall how we could have wondered so far from living. Because that's exactly what we've stopped doing; living. Most of us, drift through life, never knowing how to get out of the rut we now call 'our lives'. It's depressing really, but that's how it is. And no matter how much we say, 'oh that's not me', or 'i'm not that weak', we all have been there, or will be there at some point. So i guess the question isn't how to avoid, but how to find our way back. It can seem like there's no way out, and everything has fallen apart, too broken to put back together. And it's easy to say, we'll, just move on. But for some reason, our minds, hearts, and souls, they won't allow it. It's like we're addicted to the pain. We say we don't want to hurt anymore, we don't want to suffer. But without the suffering, what's left? How do we know anything is ever real, if we don't suffer some sort of pain. i mean, What is happiness anyways. We know it's fun, and we know it's a choice, yet every single day, person after person, chooses to stay where they are; in the dark. We suffer in silence, and for every second we're there, we feel alive. As much as we say we want it to go away, we want to fix it, we continue to leave ourselves behind, slowly losing who we were. Maybe it's just too hard, maybe this is the way it's suppose to be. Everyone suffering. But what about the music? I mean, if we were meant to hurt, alone, why would God send us music. That sounds corny, but everyone KNOWS it's true. music heals. and it has for centuries, and it will continue to after we're gone. That's the only real comfort we have. i mean, no matter how bitter, how pissed off at the world, how low a person has fallen, everyone can come to common ground on that statement alone. because it's true. music heals everything.

DMB-love