as if i didn't see it coming

okay, so right now. i don't even know what to feel. i'm caught somewhere between extremely overwhelmed with sadness, and the intense amount of anger i have building up. How could i be treated like such dirt? Telling me what i want to hear, making it sound so sincere, just to get what you want out of me. I'm so hurt, and mad. I want to focus all of it towards you, but my brain knows better. This is somewhat my fault. I listened. I believed. I'm the one who took everything you said to heart, and believed that deep down, you were genuine about your intentions. Boy was I wrong, and not only was i wrong, it took this to be the breaking point. How embarassing, to find out from someone else that this was just a game all along. I trusted you. Look where that got me. And the worst part is, I still want in to be okay. Deep down inside, i want to forgive you right away, and beg for a chance to make things right, for both of us. And i know the right thing to do is forgive you. And then move on. But how can i give you the satisfaction? They say if you hold on to anger and heartache, you're only killing yourself, you're not effecting the person who directed it at you. Then how do you make them feel it? Forgiving them seems to give them the knowledge that what they did was okay. So what do we do? How do we put ourselves in a place where we feel okay again. Like we're allowed to feel happy, without them thinking everything's good between you. I can't decide what i want, and the decision i want to make, is not the decision i should. But the right road isn't always the easiest is it? Well, this road is the hardest of them all. Even God doesn't seem to completely rid me of this heartache, and pain. Though no one said he was suppose to, and I'm not expecting him to, i just wish time wasn't the only solution. I can't bare having to wait to feel better about this. People change so much, and it isn't always for the good. and it Most certainly isn't always what you expect. I never suspected you of this. Never would have, good thing i have such good friends to point it out. I'm weak. and a coward. I didn't have the guts to face the facts and realize that i was, infact, your satisfaction. And that was all.

"wanting him is hard to forget, loving him is hard to regret, losing him is hard to accept, but even with all the hurt i've felt, letting go is the most painful yet."

things are looking up, oh finally.

Okay so, usually i have some twisted, yet strangely intelligent blog about the lowest points in life. But today, the negativity has dissapeared, and although i still have a lot to worry about, and even more to be upset about, somehow i've let it fade into the background and have let myself really shine. Of course it won't last, never does. The roller coaster of emotions is something i've gotten quite use too. But this time, it feels different. This time, i know it hurts, and i know it's killing me to see it all happen this way, but for some reason, i know i deserve better, and for once, i'm telling myself i deserve happiness. I deserve to have fun, and not have to worry for once about the outcome of this, or what's going to happen tomorrow, or this weekend, i can just be. i can just live, and make memories, that don't consist of tears, and heartache. i can enjoy the fact that i still, am just 18, and although the media makes it seem like we have this expectation in high school, to have huge depressing story lines of lives, i am still just a kid. and i can still just have fun and live without the fear of regret. I'm feeling so on top of the world for once, and it feels AMAZING. i don't even really know how it came about. i mean, i know it was just a breaking moment where you switch from one extreme to another. i'm guessing it's not a roller coaster, but more of a circle. you slowly build up until you're about to break, then you cross the path you first started at. and you're on the other side. And then the cycle continues.

Not the best of mine, but we can't all be wallowing in depression all the time. I'm glad my time's finally up, at least for now.

'one last kiss, one only. then i'll let you go.'

After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.

I.feel.hopeless. The strangest thing though, it's numbing. After the break down, you sorta' just sit. No emotion, at least not visible. And your heart just sinks, as far as it possibly can, without completely falling out of place. I think just about everyone has felt that feeling. No matter what the cause. A broken heart, a dying spirit, and in the worst of cases, a lost soul. No one ever expects to get lost, but somewhere along the way, we wander from the trail. It's far from easily explained. And as much as we speculate, and try to figure out where things went wrong, and try to remember the exact moment we lost our way, we can't seem to recall how we could have wondered so far from living. Because that's exactly what we've stopped doing; living. Most of us, drift through life, never knowing how to get out of the rut we now call 'our lives'. It's depressing really, but that's how it is. And no matter how much we say, 'oh that's not me', or 'i'm not that weak', we all have been there, or will be there at some point. So i guess the question isn't how to avoid, but how to find our way back. It can seem like there's no way out, and everything has fallen apart, too broken to put back together. And it's easy to say, we'll, just move on. But for some reason, our minds, hearts, and souls, they won't allow it. It's like we're addicted to the pain. We say we don't want to hurt anymore, we don't want to suffer. But without the suffering, what's left? How do we know anything is ever real, if we don't suffer some sort of pain. i mean, What is happiness anyways. We know it's fun, and we know it's a choice, yet every single day, person after person, chooses to stay where they are; in the dark. We suffer in silence, and for every second we're there, we feel alive. As much as we say we want it to go away, we want to fix it, we continue to leave ourselves behind, slowly losing who we were. Maybe it's just too hard, maybe this is the way it's suppose to be. Everyone suffering. But what about the music? I mean, if we were meant to hurt, alone, why would God send us music. That sounds corny, but everyone KNOWS it's true. music heals. and it has for centuries, and it will continue to after we're gone. That's the only real comfort we have. i mean, no matter how bitter, how pissed off at the world, how low a person has fallen, everyone can come to common ground on that statement alone. because it's true. music heals everything.

DMB-love

and the battle begins.

I'm not really sure how to start, that always seems to be the hardest part about writing. I guess i can start with the fact that i'm finally realizing i'm 18. And as hard as it is, i'm starting to realize that fairytales do not exist, time does not stop for anything, and lil' wayne, isn't as bad as i thought. It seems no matter how hard you try, love really isn't enough, although i'd say as far as effort goes, i gave it my all. That's probably got to be the worst part of having a broken heart, no matter how hard you try, love is a losing game. And in growing up, i've just now began to realize that it's okay to love someone that doesn't love you back. Just because you want something, doesn't mean it will happen, and love is nothing like the movies. Although i'm still hoping someone will prove me wrong, all attempts so far have fallen short, and left me to pick up the mess it made. I mean, is it so wrong to wonder what it would have been like without the mistakes? How things would have turned out had i tried, just a little harder, and fought with all my might. But of course, i made the mistake of taking control. I have a hard time with patience. We've tussled a lot over the past few years. As much as i try not to blame myself, i do know how i get. Destiny can take care of itself, and time can heal/fix things all on it's own, but being the crazy, impatient person i am, i take it upon myself to try and help time out. Force things to happen, and people to realize. On the other hand, who could blame me? i mean, does anyone actually have the willpower to sit back and wait to see what happens? it drives me insane for all of this to be outside of my hands. And i try so hard not to rush things, but it's natural habit. I ruin everything. Not that it's anything new, or anything i'm not use to. I've become extremely comfortable with the fact that i screw things up. Maybe too comfortable, and if i'm completely honest with myself, i know i'm too comfortable and that i need help. Too bad i'm too proud to ask for it. And as much as i try to accept it, i find myself falling right back into the whole, 'i'm strong and i don't need anyone' bit. The honest truth is, i'm not strong, at all. I actually feel like one of the weakest people there is, and that KILLS me. I want to be strong, and i want to not care, but i can't. I'm tired of suffering in silence.. but i don't want to be the girl you feel sorry for. I DO NOT need pity, nor do i want it.

"i still remember all the sweet things you said. They keep my up at night"

Now, on a different note, something even bigger than the fact that i can't make love work. A dear friend of mine, no scratch that, a best friend of mine is going through something even bigger than my simple little problems. I can't even imagine how much he suffers while away from all the distractions. I do my best to be there for him, but even then, i feel like i fall short of what he needs. i know i can't fix it for him, only God can do that, but i still wish i could help him to feel safe, and secure in the fact that God will lay his hand on this, and take this burden away, but i'm not even secure in that. God does things we don't understand, and i can't be positive that he'll handle this the way we want. and that scares me... It makes you think, and come to the realization that, our time really is limited and unknown, and you never, ever know what's going to happen tomorrow, or today, or even now. Things are constantly changing, and i know, they have to feel like the weight of the world is crushing down on them. I just wish i could take that weight from them, even though i can barely handle my own. - pray for them, they need it more than you know.

*This blog is for me to write what i want, so if you don't like it, don't read it. It's called expression*

i am who i want to be, i'm trying better to let my flaws show without seeming ridiculous, and i know, my day will come.

This one's for the broken hearted

Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs. -Proverbs10:12

Love covers all wrongs. Apparently it heals too. According to those in it. How many times does heartbreak prove mankind wrong, and yet, we still choose to believe, 'love is happiness'. I mean, from the time we're born, we're taught that love is all you need, that when you fall in love, everything else falls into place. But how can we continuously search for the one thing that tears people apart the most in this world. i mean if there was ever one word that contained such an extreme amount of leeway in the meaning, it's love. How many people see it as beauty, while to another, all it is, is pain. the point of love, is to bring joy, yet no one anticipates the destruction, waiting in the alley. So why is everyone so set on finding it. I mean, sure movies portray it as this amazing shield from the outside world, keeping you from ever hurting again,but we all know movies are fake, right? i just don't understand the point. Who knows, maybe I'm just not as strong as the rest of these fools, but having a broken heart, isn't worth finding love. After breaking it a few times, love doesn't exactly have the same look as it once did. No longer do I have a desire to seek out 'the one'. Perhaps it's just because it's high school though. I'm sure things get better, I'm 'overexaggerating'. I guess a little faith would be a good place to start.

it only gets easier from here.

First post, and I already have writers block. Apparently writing cleanses the soul, and to be honest, I'm almost positive that there isn't one person in high school that doesn't need a little cleansing, so-here goes nothing.

Everything has gone by so fast. It's already senior year, and quite frankly, there's a lot of stuff that i didn't get to do, that i wish i had. Not saying i have any regrets from the last 16 years of my life, just wish i could add a little more. I've wasted so much time harboring hared for people, or dwelling on heartache. You don't realize how little time you have, until you've gone and wasted it. And though I've had a lot of great times during my 3 years of high school, i somehow don't feel like I've accomplished everything i should have, or lived up to my full potential. Keeping in mind that i have one year left to make high school count, i still can't help but feel ashamed at all the immaturity i let poison my life. I'm sure I'm not alone in this, but sometimes i wish people didn't try so hard to hide who they really are, or try to disguise what they feel, i myself included in that. People spend too much time pretending. There is one difference I'm sure of that i feel though,and that's that I'm thankful to have grown up in such a small town. Sure there's nothing to do, but who really wants to go to a school where you barely know anyone besides your core group of friends. I mean, i feel comforted by the fact that I'm in a classroom full of people who I've known all my life. People I've been in elementary school with, watched during REC sports, or shared experiences with. And on that note, i feel it's necessary to thank Lugoff, as cheesy as it sounds, and as boring of a town it is, it has a sense of family tied to it. As the ole' song goes, everybody knows everybody, everybody calls you friend. It makes growing up, just a little easier. And as much as I'm trying to get over things that have happened here, and fight through the trials of teenhood, I wouldn't have wanted it to happen in any other place. Hope it was personal enough for you.