I'm not really sure how to start, that always seems to be the hardest part about writing. I guess i can start with the fact that i'm finally realizing i'm 18. And as hard as it is, i'm starting to realize that fairytales do not exist, time does not stop for anything, and lil' wayne, isn't as bad as i thought. It seems no matter how hard you try, love really isn't enough, although i'd say as far as effort goes, i gave it my all. That's probably got to be the worst part of having a broken heart, no matter how hard you try, love is a losing game. And in growing up, i've just now began to realize that it's okay to love someone that doesn't love you back. Just because you want something, doesn't mean it will happen, and love is nothing like the movies. Although i'm still hoping someone will prove me wrong, all attempts so far have fallen short, and left me to pick up the mess it made. I mean, is it so wrong to wonder what it would have been like without the mistakes? How things would have turned out had i tried, just a little harder, and fought with all my might. But of course, i made the mistake of taking control. I have a hard time with patience. We've tussled a lot over the past few years. As much as i try not to blame myself, i do know how i get. Destiny can take care of itself, and time can heal/fix things all on it's own, but being the crazy, impatient person i am, i take it upon myself to try and help time out. Force things to happen, and people to realize. On the other hand, who could blame me? i mean, does anyone actually have the willpower to sit back and wait to see what happens? it drives me insane for all of this to be outside of my hands. And i try so hard not to rush things, but it's natural habit. I ruin everything. Not that it's anything new, or anything i'm not use to. I've become extremely comfortable with the fact that i screw things up. Maybe too comfortable, and if i'm completely honest with myself, i know i'm too comfortable and that i need help. Too bad i'm too proud to ask for it. And as much as i try to accept it, i find myself falling right back into the whole, 'i'm strong and i don't need anyone' bit. The honest truth is, i'm not strong, at all. I actually feel like one of the weakest people there is, and that KILLS me. I want to be strong, and i want to not care, but i can't. I'm tired of suffering in silence.. but i don't want to be the girl you feel sorry for. I DO NOT need pity, nor do i want it.
"i still remember all the sweet things you said. They keep my up at night"
Now, on a different note, something even bigger than the fact that i can't make love work. A dear friend of mine, no scratch that, a best friend of mine is going through something even bigger than my simple little problems. I can't even imagine how much he suffers while away from all the distractions. I do my best to be there for him, but even then, i feel like i fall short of what he needs. i know i can't fix it for him, only God can do that, but i still wish i could help him to feel safe, and secure in the fact that God will lay his hand on this, and take this burden away, but i'm not even secure in that. God does things we don't understand, and i can't be positive that he'll handle this the way we want. and that scares me... It makes you think, and come to the realization that, our time really is limited and unknown, and you never, ever know what's going to happen tomorrow, or today, or even now. Things are constantly changing, and i know, they have to feel like the weight of the world is crushing down on them. I just wish i could take that weight from them, even though i can barely handle my own. - pray for them, they need it more than you know.
*This blog is for me to write what i want, so if you don't like it, don't read it. It's called expression*
i am who i want to be, i'm trying better to let my flaws show without seeming ridiculous, and i know, my day will come.
